Ellie attempted to light her cigarette, the wind was making it difficult. Even with the side of the building as a breaker it managed to whip around the corner and extinguish the flame.
"Here, let me help," The Boy said. He cupped his hands around her lighter, bringing them close together. Ellie noticed the color of his eyes. They were a light brown, not quite hazel. They had looked dark from far away, but when they got close she noticed that there was light behind them.
"Thanks," she said, blushing and stepping back abruptly. He was making her feel awkward. Attractive people did that to her. She was painfully aware of how thin her hair was, how small her boobs were, how ungainly she was. She had zero self confidence and was completely inept at social situations. It was nice when she got high, she didn't feel that way anymore. She was untouchable. After she'd shot up, she'd tell herself she had her Superman cape on and she was good to go. The outside world couldn't touch her. But now her cape was gone and she was back to being regular old Ellie. Socially awkward Ellie. The goofy looking girl that people talked about behind her back.
"Do you want one?" she offered her pack to fill the silence.
"Sure, thanks." He took the pack and pulled one out, flicking the lighter and sparking it on the first try. He coughed slightly and his ears turned red in embarrassment. "I normally only smoke at parties, y'know, when I'm drunk," he explained.
Ellie shrugged. "It's a bad habit, but it's the only one I'm allowed now, so."
The Boy raised an eyebrow. "What d'you mean?" She looked at him and shrugged again. "What d'you mean what do I mean? I'm an addict. Anything else is off limits."
The Boy didn't reply, just nervously sucked on his cigarette. Ellie took a small step backwards, feeling even more embarrassed. "Where did you think you were? This is an NA meeting. All of those people in there are addicts."
His entire face flushed this time, the tips of his ears glowing in the twilight. "There's normally a different meeting on Thursday nights," he mumbled. "It's a support group."
"What kind of support group?" Ellie paused. "Or do you not want to talk about it?"
The Boy looked at the ground and scuffed his feet, throwing his smoke down. He took his time and deliberately stepped on it, twisting his foot to ensure it was completely out. "It's um. It's for people who have lost people... y'know. When they die and stuff."
"Oh," was all she said. "Um. Yeah.... That's uh... yeah. That sucks. I'm sorry."
He shrugged again and ran his fingers through his hair. "Not your fault. Just sucks. And now I feel kinda stupid for being in the wrong place."
"I think they rescheduled that group to Tuesday nights," she paused. "Want to hear something funny?"
He shrugged again. She wondered if that was his response to everything. "There was this one time I was trying to light my cigarette in the wind, kinda like tonight. Except I didn't have any help, my friends were all busy doing something else." Like cookin' dope, she thought. "And I squatted down and leaned forward, trying to block it on my own and the wind blew my hair in my face and it caught on fire. Burned half of it off, most of my eyelashes, and one of my eyebrows. I had to walk around like that for months."
The Boy looked at her, momentarily horrified. "That's fucking awful! Why would that be funny?" But after a second he started laughing. It was a quiet laugh that started in the back of his throat and got louder as it turned into a belly laugh. "Holy fuck that must've sucked. I'm trying to picture what you'd look like with no eyebrow. As mean as it is it must've looked hilarious."
"It did. It took me a little bit to get past it. Needless to say I didn't leave the house for awhile after that."
He was laughing hardcore at this point. "Yeah, I bet not."
Friday, July 13, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
prince stephan; The Accident
He had never told anyone about The Accident. It was an unspoken rule in his family that no one was to speak of Thomas. Period. No happy memories. No funny "do you remember the time...?" stories. No reminiscing about their childhoods. Nothing. His Mother tried to act as if he had never existed and his Father went along with it.
When Father lost his oldest son, he lost interest. In everything. You could've set the house on fire, in front of him, and he'd get annpyed because he wouldn't be able to finish the Cards game. He had been so proud when Tommy had joined the Corps. Tommy was the first in the family to try and make something of himself and move out of their hometown. Father worked a bullshit factory job at the tire plant, and he'd worked there his entire life. He made a career out of being miserable so he could support his family.
Mother had worked sales at JCPenney's for as long as Stephan could remember. Anjelica told him once that Mother had been a stay at home mom when her and Tommy were little. But by the time Stephan came along she'd started working full time. Stephan had several memories of doing homework at the dinner table while Anjelica cooked. Mother was always tired after being on her feet all day and Father was working second shift.
Those were the good days though. They still had each other, they were still a family. Sure, there was the typical sibling rivalry, what suburban lower middle class family would be complete without it? But Tommy protected his little brother. He taught Stephan how to throw a baseball and explained what second base was when it came to girls. He gave him his first beer and kicked his ass when he found him smoking pot.
"My brother Thomas joined the Marine Corps right out of high school," Stephan began. Ellie was sitting in the middle of the bed with her knees drawn up to her chest and her chin resting on them. The blanket covered all but her shoulders and she looked at him with wide eyes and mussed hair.
"If you don't want to tell me, that's fine," she said. "I mean, I can understand that you prolly don't want to talk about it anyway and this may not be the most appropriate time." She giggled softly and leaned forward to kiss his nose. Stephan was laying back on the pillow with his right arm bent behind his head. He smiled and tugged on the sheet, causing her left boob to pop out.
"That one's my favorite," he murmured, pulling him down next to her. "It's got a freckle." He kissed it. "Have you ever seen the movie Vanilla Sky?" he asked. She shook her head.
"There's a scene where Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz are laying in bed together, kind of like this, doing the pillow talk thing. And he tells her that in his next life he wants to come back as the mole on her boob. I gotta say, that would be a pretty sweet reincarnation." They both laughed and she rolled into his side, tucking her head underneath his chin. She could feel his chest move as he breathed and hear his heartbeat clearly. She peeked up at him, and saw his pulse throbbing slightly in his neck. She kissed her finger and deftly placed it on that spot, making a brief wish before snuggling back down.
The room was quiet for several minutes, filled with the white noise of the box fan blowing. Occasionally they'd hear a muffled bit of whatever t.v. show his dad was watching but otherwise they were uninterrupted. Ellie thought he'd fallen asleep when she heard him say very quietly,
"My brother killed himself when I was 18."
Ellie tensed, unsure what to say. She hugged him tightly and waited to see if he'd keep going.
"He'd been back for less than a year and was living at home with me and mom and dad. Mom had started drinking while he was gone and he thought by sticking around maybe she'd quit. Or at least cut back." He paused. "But then he started drinking too. A lot."
"Tommy got a job at the tire factory with dad. He said he just wanted something to do until he figured out his next step, but he didn't really seem to be planning on going anywhere. Him and my dad fought about it all the time. Dad told him he was dumb and fucking up his future by coming back here, that he should let the military pay for his school and do something with himself. Then mom would get involved and she'd get that shrill voice thing going and they'd all end up yelling over each other. Was fucking stupid."
Ellie could feel Stephan shaking his head at the memory.
"Tommy never wanted to talk about his stint in Afghanistan. I'd ask him to tell me his war stories and he wouldn't ever go into any details. I'd ask him what it was like and all he'd say was, 'it's hot, it smells like shit, and there's always people trying to kill you. It's the armpit of the fucking universe.' "
"Anyway. I had just got outta school on a Friday and had to go home and grab my cell phone charger. Richard Kingsley's parents were out of town and I was spending the weekend with him. We were gonna have huge fucking parties every night they were gone.
"So I came in through the garage and noticed both my parents cars were gone. I was like fuckin' sweet and ended up raiding the outside fridge. I think I threw a couple Bud Lights and some Pizza Rolls in my backpack. When I opened the door that lead into the kitchen the house was super quiet. I remember thinking it was kinda weird 'cause I knew Tommy was home, his truck was in the driveway.
"I stomped up the stairs and was calling him a cocksucker and a pussy for sleeping in the middle of the afternoon. Y'know. Obnoxious little brother stuff. The door to his room was closed so I pounded on it and yanked it open real quick.I'll never forget it. I'll never get that mental image out of my head. His body was hanging there, his desk chair knocked over on the ground underneath him. He had his uniform on and his face was all fucked up looking. His eyes weren't even all the way closed. That was the creepiest part. It felt like he was looking right at me.
"So I freaked the fuck out and go and try and get him down. At first I just went up and tried to pull but as soon as I touched him he started spinning like some sick fucking joke. I turned around and threw up in the trash can. I had my pocket knife so I climbed up on the chair and cut him down. Ever moved 150 pounds of plywood all at once? That's what it fucking felt like. He was stiff and cold and just... creepy. I fell off the chair and he halfass landed on me. It was the most fucked up shit I've ever done or had to live through.
Once I got him turned over I checked his pulse, just to make sure he was really dead. And I just sat there and stared at him. I couldn't even cry. Not a single damn tear. I just kinda hunched over him and shook. I couldn't move either. Then I saw the envelope in his pocket. It had my name on it.
When Father lost his oldest son, he lost interest. In everything. You could've set the house on fire, in front of him, and he'd get annpyed because he wouldn't be able to finish the Cards game. He had been so proud when Tommy had joined the Corps. Tommy was the first in the family to try and make something of himself and move out of their hometown. Father worked a bullshit factory job at the tire plant, and he'd worked there his entire life. He made a career out of being miserable so he could support his family.
Mother had worked sales at JCPenney's for as long as Stephan could remember. Anjelica told him once that Mother had been a stay at home mom when her and Tommy were little. But by the time Stephan came along she'd started working full time. Stephan had several memories of doing homework at the dinner table while Anjelica cooked. Mother was always tired after being on her feet all day and Father was working second shift.
Those were the good days though. They still had each other, they were still a family. Sure, there was the typical sibling rivalry, what suburban lower middle class family would be complete without it? But Tommy protected his little brother. He taught Stephan how to throw a baseball and explained what second base was when it came to girls. He gave him his first beer and kicked his ass when he found him smoking pot.
"My brother Thomas joined the Marine Corps right out of high school," Stephan began. Ellie was sitting in the middle of the bed with her knees drawn up to her chest and her chin resting on them. The blanket covered all but her shoulders and she looked at him with wide eyes and mussed hair.
"If you don't want to tell me, that's fine," she said. "I mean, I can understand that you prolly don't want to talk about it anyway and this may not be the most appropriate time." She giggled softly and leaned forward to kiss his nose. Stephan was laying back on the pillow with his right arm bent behind his head. He smiled and tugged on the sheet, causing her left boob to pop out.
"That one's my favorite," he murmured, pulling him down next to her. "It's got a freckle." He kissed it. "Have you ever seen the movie Vanilla Sky?" he asked. She shook her head.
"There's a scene where Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz are laying in bed together, kind of like this, doing the pillow talk thing. And he tells her that in his next life he wants to come back as the mole on her boob. I gotta say, that would be a pretty sweet reincarnation." They both laughed and she rolled into his side, tucking her head underneath his chin. She could feel his chest move as he breathed and hear his heartbeat clearly. She peeked up at him, and saw his pulse throbbing slightly in his neck. She kissed her finger and deftly placed it on that spot, making a brief wish before snuggling back down.
The room was quiet for several minutes, filled with the white noise of the box fan blowing. Occasionally they'd hear a muffled bit of whatever t.v. show his dad was watching but otherwise they were uninterrupted. Ellie thought he'd fallen asleep when she heard him say very quietly,
"My brother killed himself when I was 18."
Ellie tensed, unsure what to say. She hugged him tightly and waited to see if he'd keep going.
"He'd been back for less than a year and was living at home with me and mom and dad. Mom had started drinking while he was gone and he thought by sticking around maybe she'd quit. Or at least cut back." He paused. "But then he started drinking too. A lot."
"Tommy got a job at the tire factory with dad. He said he just wanted something to do until he figured out his next step, but he didn't really seem to be planning on going anywhere. Him and my dad fought about it all the time. Dad told him he was dumb and fucking up his future by coming back here, that he should let the military pay for his school and do something with himself. Then mom would get involved and she'd get that shrill voice thing going and they'd all end up yelling over each other. Was fucking stupid."
Ellie could feel Stephan shaking his head at the memory.
"Tommy never wanted to talk about his stint in Afghanistan. I'd ask him to tell me his war stories and he wouldn't ever go into any details. I'd ask him what it was like and all he'd say was, 'it's hot, it smells like shit, and there's always people trying to kill you. It's the armpit of the fucking universe.' "
"Anyway. I had just got outta school on a Friday and had to go home and grab my cell phone charger. Richard Kingsley's parents were out of town and I was spending the weekend with him. We were gonna have huge fucking parties every night they were gone.
"So I came in through the garage and noticed both my parents cars were gone. I was like fuckin' sweet and ended up raiding the outside fridge. I think I threw a couple Bud Lights and some Pizza Rolls in my backpack. When I opened the door that lead into the kitchen the house was super quiet. I remember thinking it was kinda weird 'cause I knew Tommy was home, his truck was in the driveway.
"I stomped up the stairs and was calling him a cocksucker and a pussy for sleeping in the middle of the afternoon. Y'know. Obnoxious little brother stuff. The door to his room was closed so I pounded on it and yanked it open real quick.I'll never forget it. I'll never get that mental image out of my head. His body was hanging there, his desk chair knocked over on the ground underneath him. He had his uniform on and his face was all fucked up looking. His eyes weren't even all the way closed. That was the creepiest part. It felt like he was looking right at me.
"So I freaked the fuck out and go and try and get him down. At first I just went up and tried to pull but as soon as I touched him he started spinning like some sick fucking joke. I turned around and threw up in the trash can. I had my pocket knife so I climbed up on the chair and cut him down. Ever moved 150 pounds of plywood all at once? That's what it fucking felt like. He was stiff and cold and just... creepy. I fell off the chair and he halfass landed on me. It was the most fucked up shit I've ever done or had to live through.
Once I got him turned over I checked his pulse, just to make sure he was really dead. And I just sat there and stared at him. I couldn't even cry. Not a single damn tear. I just kinda hunched over him and shook. I couldn't move either. Then I saw the envelope in his pocket. It had my name on it.
prince stephen; unknown.
Okay so I've decided this little blurb up here is going to go in the beginning of the story. A preface, if you will. And the following piece of the story is towards the end. Warning, it's a pretty graphic, angry scene. Lots of the F word.
The devil tells me,
What does it matter?
What difference does it make?
You'll always be you
A junkie
A liar
A disappointment
All the lies you told,
the things you've done
the people you hurt
if you loved them
how could you lie?
steal?
cheat?
betray?
All the things you've achieved
Mean nothing
Because in the end
I'll win
I'll win.
They may not see it
But I do
I see in your soul
And I know
You'll let me win
I'm just biding my time
I'll wait
I'm patient
I'll always be here
People, love, hate
May come and go
But me,
I'll always be here.
Always
Always.
"Stephen, I don't think you get it..." her voice trailed off, ending in a restrained sob.
"What? What is it I don't fucking understand? That you lied to me? That you were sticking needles in your arms while you're pregnant with our fucking kid?" He ran his fingers through his hair and pulled hard on his cigarette. He flicked it onto the ground and snatched her up by the arm. Tears were running down her face and she flinched as he shoved his face into hers.
"Oh what? You're gonna cry now you fucking bitch? How fucking could you? I didn't even want the fucking thing in the first place. And now, after all this. After everything we've been through. After I stuck by you when my parents threw me out. After we found your fucking worthless cunt whore mother dead in your living room. After all the meetings and the rehab and the probation bullshit. AFTER ALL THAT, you're going to fuck it up. For what? For a 5 minute high? You could've killed the baby! You could've killed yourself, which at this point I don't even give a damn about. I just don't fucking get you Ellie."
He shoved her away from him. She crumpled to the ground and started sobbing pathetically. She used the sleeve of her shirt to wipe her face and nose.
"You're a fucking asshole!" she screamed between tears. "You're preaching at me about 'oh I could've hurt the baby' and blah blah blah and it was only a couple times! You just threw me on the fucking floor! What do you think that's gonna do to him? HUH? Not like you even give a fuck. You're probably happy about it you fucking dick. You never wanted him."
He leaned down and stuck his finger in her face. "You're right. I didn't fucking want him. I don't even know if he's mine. If you lied about this, who knows. Maybe you were out fucking your dealer for dope. Wouldn't fucking surprise me."
She sobbed and smacked him. His head whipped back.
"FUCK YOU! Do you hear me? FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. I'm done. I know I fucked up and I'm sorry and I came to you and told you the fucking truth. And you're blowing this shit way out of proportion and all this bullshit is bad for the baby. He's fucking Riverdancing on my ribcage right now. I can do this my fucking self, I don't need you or anybody else."
She struggled to lean forward with her huge belly in order to pull herself off the floor. The extra weight in the front threw her off balance and she kept falling back on her ass. Stephen laughed cruelly.
"You can't even get off the fucking floor bitch. Good luck trying to do it on your own." He turned and left the apartment, slamming the door behind him.
"Good! Fucking leave! You're just like everybody else in my fucking life. Shit gets hard, they walk out the fucking door. Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. Fucking worthless piece of shit."
She stretched out on her back, the only position she could maintain at the moment, and sobbed. She could feel the teardrops rolling down her face, pooling in her ears and dampening her hair. "What the fuck am I gonna do?" she murmured to herself. "He's right. I can't even get off the fucking floor." This thought made her sob even harder. She sounded like a pathetic scene out of a movie. She felt pathetic. Part of her wanted to crawl after him, beg him not to leave. Tell him how much she loved him, that she needed him. That she didn't want to, couldn't, raise the baby on her own. The other part of her, the devil part, told her that in the next room there was a box that held the answer. A little chunk of what looked like brown sugar but tasted like heaven. A rush that was better than sex, better than anything. It was like a thousand orgasms all at once, happening all over your body. And it would make this feeling go away. Make the hurt stop. Make everything stop. Maybe she'd fall asleep and never wake up.
She ran her hands along her giant belly. She could still feel him kicking, causing ripples in her skin. The devil voice told her, He knows you're thinking about it. He wants you to do it. He knows it'll make him feel good too. Her tears started to subside. But that's not fair, the angel voice said. You're making the choice, you know what you're doing. He doesn't. You want your baby to be born a junkie? You want to fuck him over before he even starts?
The devil voice was louder.
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